Orientation was just plain exhausting. From 9am-5:30pm the entire new graduate class at UBC was herded through welcome remarks, info sessions, meet-and-greets, and workshops. Throughout the day we were encouraged to mingle with our new colleagues. However, we were all just lumped in there together, in overwhelming proportions.
When I see I a new group of people and know absolutely no one, I look around for people that I can identify with, based on different reasons. The first thing I look for is if they have a similar gender expression or seem to be presenting as queer. However, I also look for people who might be carrying a bicycle helmet or who have interesting tattoos. Sometimes it's an attitude thing, a dress thing, a food thing, or a presence thing. The point is that I'd rather scope out the scene a bit and approach someone I think that I might have a couple things in common with then just strike up a conversation with every Finance major that stands next to me (no offense to the friendly man from Montreal, and good luck with your studies).
I have a few reasons for relying on this tactic. One is that I actually get kind of nervous in overwhelming social situations and tend to shrink back. Another is that, I admit, I'm a judgmental person. I'm working on it. Finally, the reason I make those judgments is largely based on a survival perspective to social encounters.
I am a queer person with an intentionally gender ambiguous presentation. I'm a sex educator, I'm vegan, I'm culturally Jewish but a practicing atheist. Over the years I've realized that to some my identity is anything but benign. I am proud of who I am and the experiences that brought me here. Thus, I seek out communities and people who will understand and appreciate that.
I saw many people at Orientation just sitting down next to anyone and starting conversations. It is a privilege to not have to consider your race, gender identity, sexual identity, or identity at all during an interaction. Folks who are not in the dominant group do have to consider (to many different degrees) their identity at all times. For instance, I have to consider my gender and sexual identity; however, I am not forced to consider my race. I must actively choose to be aware of my racial privilege.
I look for people with similar gender expressions or for queer people because I feel safer around them. When I had trouble finding such people on Thursday, I felt incredibly alone. Not just alone because I didn't know a single person at the Orientation (or in Vancouver) but because I didn't see a single person "like me". A single person with a similar identity.
It is not that I think that I will not get along with people who have different identities. I made a few friends later in the day, all of them non-queer identified. However, as someone who does have to consider my identity all the time, it's important to have friends/a community who reflect that for the seemingly simple reason that around them, I would not have to consider my identity.
What makes you feel safe in a new social situation? What do you look for in new people?
Wow, Larissa. I really like this post because it reminds me of two things: 1) that I am in that dominant, privileged group and should reflect on that fact from time to time 2)that Wesleyan was a very special place in that just being a student there (at least in my mind) added a level of safety that allowed cross-group socialization to happen much more easily and much quicker than it does (in my experience) in other places. I wonder if you, Larissa, feel the same way about Wesleyan and if others who find themselves reading this comment feel the same way about the colleges they attended?
ReplyDeleteAlso, remember that while your strategy is one brought out by a survival instinct and is certainly appropriate in a orientation setting, that many of those "Finance major" types (and even some soon-to-be-lawyer types) are compassionate people who actually see the world in a similar way to you, though they don't manifest it outwardly quite so easily. I miss you!